


With or Without

by allthefeeels



Category: Karlie Kloss - Fandom, Kaylor - Fandom, Taylor Swift - Fandom
Genre: Angst, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Heartbreak, Idk why i decided to write this, Slow Burn, Soulmates, and subsequent taylor heartbreak, friends to lovers to exes who still love each other, it sorta just came to me, one of my first fics so be nice, post karlie and josh engagement
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-09
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-24 22:07:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17712506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthefeeels/pseuds/allthefeeels
Summary: This is a post Karlie and Josh engagement fic, with a heartbroken!Taylor, there will be lots of angst and kind of slow burn? Taylor tries to work through the pain of seeing Karlie and Josh get engaged and then married, trying to work out the things she's feeling that she thought she had left behind, worked through and moved on from.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, this is a slight AU for a number of reasons, some of which you'll see later ;) but for now... I know that during the time Karlie got engaged and all the subsequent events that'll be mentioned in this fic, Taylor was on tour in the US. But for the purposes of this fic and the narrative Taylor's location will not correspond to where she was actually during the time this fic is set.

When she saw the photo appear on her feed it felt like the world dropped out beneath her feet. Everything melted away and she was in this infinite free fall. Her head was spinning, she was barely breathing right up until she started hyperventilating. This caught Joe’s attention as he rushed to her side, sitting on the couch carefully watching his girlfriend in what looked like a complete and utter collapse. He placed his hand on her arm, repeating her name. It wasn’t until he started shaking her that the world started spinning on its axis again. She blinked a few times, her phone still illuminated in her hand, she looked to her boyfriend with worry etched on his face. He opened his mouth to ask a question but she already knew what it was going to be and cut him off. She stood abruptly and walked upstairs mutter an “I’m fine” as she did.

 

She went up to her bedroom, closing the door behind her and collapsed on the bed. She unlocked her phone again and the post was still on her screen. She must’ve read and reread that caption a hundred times. She studied the image, zooming in on the face that used to make her heart skip a beat every time. She’s lying to herself, now though, if she tells herself it doesn’t still. Now it’s also paired with an intense heartache. Karlie looks happy, she’s kissing his cheek, holding his arm… there are a bunch of selfies that she has with Karlie just like this one. Just without the event behind it. She tells herself Karlie looked happier in their selfies, it dulls the pain by a fraction. She’s been staring at this image for what seemed like hours at this point, she clicks on the tag to see what Josh has posted. It’s an image from a few years ago in the rain room in LA, captioned simply with “fiancée <3”. Her heart feel like its being torn out all over again, she throws her phone across the room and buries her head in the pillows. She heard the front door shut softly a while back, Joe must’ve left knowing his girlfriend well enough to give her some space. The light in the room shifts drastically as the sun sets and soon she’s left in a pitch-black room, with only the soft glow of a street light. She hears her phone buzz across the room and heaves herself off the bed to pick it up. She hears the cats mewling and scratching at the door so cracks it open so they can get in. They jump on the bed, settling right in the middle.

 

There’s a bunch of texts on her phone, she must not have heard them, a bunch from her mum asking her how she’s doing, some from her brother, Joe telling her he’ll be back tomorrow morning, punctuated with a heart emoji. There’s one from Martha, Lily and Selena. All concern and support and love. There’s really only one person she wants to talk to at this point, she clicks Karlie’s contact, it's still saved as “Kar 🌞💛”. She reads their last texts:

 

She begins to type out various messages, but quickly deletes them. She settles for a simple “Congrats 😊” and hits send before she can over think it. Now it’s sent she looks at the shortened word and choice of emoji, it seems cold and distant. She regrets it immediately but there’s nothing she can do now. She exits out of the chat and clicks on Selena’s name. It rings for two seconds before Selena answers.

“Taylor…” she trails off.

“I need you.” Is all she says in response

“Ok, I’ll be over soon.” Taylor just hangs up and shoves her phone under the pile of pillows.

 

* * *

 

“Sel, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I did when it happened 2 years ago. It hurts so much and I hate myself for it, I can’t do this again. Joe’s been so good, he’s such a sweet guy and I love him, I do but…” she trails off not feeling like finishing that sentence. So Selena does it for her.

“Karlie’s always gonna be the one,” Taylor just nods, she buries her head in her hands and shakes her head. “Tay, hey,” she lightly touches Taylor on the arm to get her attention, she lifts her head and looks to Selena. “Look, I don’t know if this is exactly what you want to hear right now but it’s what you need to hear. A love like Karlie and yours doesn’t just go away, it doesn’t. I think you’ve known for a while that this thing with Joe has sorta just been a placeholder. You and Karlie are meant to be, you know that, as much as you’ve been telling yourself otherwise. And I am almost certain she knows it too.”

“She is literally getting married… to someone else, Selena. She’s marrying _him_!” Tears are forming in her eyes now, and she doesn’t even try to stop them. “I can’t be feeling like this anymore, I can’t go through this whole damn heartbreak again!”

“How do you know she’s not doing this cause _she_ thinks you are moving on and forgetting? What if this is her way of running from it all and making herself move on?” Taylor is silent now, she doesn’t know what to say. “I think you need to talk to her, babe. When was the last time you guys talked?”

“I don’t know,” she rubs her face with her hands, pushing her hair back. “She sent me a message about my music video a while back but we haven’t properly talked for a long time. I don’t know, Selena, I can’t keep holding on to this hope, thinking that she still loves me. It’s crazy.”

“How do you know she’s not thinking the exact same thing?” Taylor just shrugs and shakes her head in response.

“Can we just…” She doesn’t need to finish her sentence for Selena to get the hint.

“Ok, ok,” she grabs Taylor’s hand in hers and gives it a reassuring and supportive squeeze. She moves to stand, placing a kiss on her friend’s forehead. “Should we make some hot cocoa and watch a movie?” Taylor nods and Selena heads to the kitchen. “Where _is_ Joe?”

“Oh, um. He was here earlier… he was here when I saw the post.”

“Oh fuck. What happened?”

“Well, I freaked obviously, he tried to help, cause its him but I sorta just brushed him off and hid in my room. He left eventually and sent me a text to let me know he’ll see me tomorrow.” Selena hummed in response. “I’m sure he’s seen the post by now, it’s not hard to put two and two together.” Taylor heaved a sigh and palmed her face. Selena returns to the couch with two mugs of hot cocoa, she places Taylor’s favourite cup in front of her, it’s one that her mum gave her one Christmas, it has both Meredith’s and Olivia’s faces patterned all over the cup. It makes her chuckle every time she uses it, something Selena knows all too well. Her heart warms at this and she looks to her best friend who’s watching her, smiling knowing that her little tactic worked.

“So what are we watching?” Taylor grabs the remote from her coffee table and flicks through a few movies before landing on _Love, Actually_. Not a surprise to either of the women.

 

* * *

 

Joe lets himself in the next morning with the key Taylor had given him a few months earlier. It’s pretty early so it’s not really a surprise to him that Taylor isn’t up yet. The hot cocoa mugs are still on the coffee table and a large plate with a couple half eaten pieces of pizza sit on the kitchen counter. He heads up to her bedroom and opens the door slowly, she sees a mop of blonde hair on one side of the bed, and on the other Selena’s raven coloured hair. He smiles softly at the sight of the two of them, but his stomach quickly drops when he realises the whole Karlie engagement thing must’ve hit Taylor hard if Selena was here last night, not to mention if she stayed over. He sighs heavily and backs out of the doorway, shutting the door softly. He makes his way back downstairs and begins to make breakfast. He shuffles between anger, confusion, worry and hopefulness the entire time. He’s almost finished making breakfast when the girls make their way downstairs. Selena is dressed holding her bag and shoes in hand while Taylor is still in her PJs, her hair mussed from sleeping.

“Hey, Joe,” Selena smiles and gives him a light sideways hug as she enters the kitchen. He smiles in response, clearly his thoughts a little occupied as he watches the tall blonde take a seat at the kitchen island. Selena grabs a glass of water and settles next to Taylor. “Looks good, dude. I wish I could stay but I gotta run, gotta feed the dogs.” She chuckles stealing a couple pieces of toast and shoving them both into her mouth. She grins widely at the man, before giving Taylor a hug. “Bye love, call me.” She mumbles with her mouth full. The singer lets herself out and suddenly the large house is filled with an awkward, tense silence as Joe finishes up frying the bacon at the stove. She watches as he plates up a large dish with a full breakfast slifing it over to his girlfriend who starts munching immediately. He’s leaning forward on the counter opposite her, stealing a piece of bacon for himself.

“So… are you ok?” She’s about halfway through her meal before he finally speaks up. She looks up to him abruptly, she’d almost been trying to relieve the tension by stuffing her face, looking for an out of this conversation she knew was coming. She blinks at him a few times as she finishes chewing her mouthful. “What’s going on?”

“I think you know.” He visibly deflates when she replies. He was expecting it but doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt. “Look, Joe, this is not something I wanted to happen! You have to know that, this is not easy for me either. I love you, there is no doubt in that—" He cuts her off now.

“But you’ll never love me like you loved her.” She is shocked by how blunt he’s being, but she concedes. She can’t lie to him. And her lack of protest is enough for him to know that he’s right.

“Just give me some time to work through this, I don’t want to hurt you, I don’t want to lose you.”

“Taylor… you need to be honest with yourself. Stop fooling yourself and stop trying to fool me,” Taylor tries to protest but Joe needs to get this out. “No, listen. Please. The fact you reacted so badly to this should tell you all you need to know. She’s always going to be your person, Taylor. No matter how hard you try to get over her and to move on it’s never going to work, cause she is your One. The sooner you realise that, and accept it, the easier it’ll be. You can’t keep going like you guys never existed and that you don’t have feelings for her. I love you, and I only want what’s best for you but I can’t keep going like this.” She knows he’s right. Of course, he is. So is Selena but she still can’t really admit it to herself.

“I’m sorry,” is all she manages. He makes his way around the island counter and settles next to her. His arm around her shoulders as he presses a kiss to her forehead.

“I know, give me some time okay? I’ll always be here for you but just give me some time.”

“You’re too good, Joe.” He smiles softly and moves to grab his jacket off the chair it was draped over. He heads to the door, with one final look back he leaves. Taylor buries her head in her hands, Joe was the best guy she’d dated thus far, and if circumstances were different he could very well have been the man she spent the rest of her life with. But they weren’t, they’re what they are and she has no idea where to go from her. She knows she has to talk to Karlie but she also knows it is not going to happen any time soon.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Karlie’s phone has been buzzing all evening with comments from her latest Instagram post, she couldn’t believe the outpour of love and support she was receiving, her heart was so full. She glanced across to see her fiancé engrossed in a book, it was such a perfect moment. It didn’t need to be loud or extravagant, it just was and that was perfect. But she couldn’t help her mind from wandering to wondering what the woman, who was once her entire world, was doing right now, what she was thinking. And as if the universe had caught her, her phone buzzed once again this time it was a text from Taylor herself. She unlocked her phone slowly, bracing herself for the message she was about to receive. What was it going to be? Her mind was racing, was it going to be a huge long emotional message, would she be angry, would she be sad, would she be happy for me, what if she isn’t happy for me, will it be filled with regret, will she mention our relationship? When she finally keyed in the last number her screen illuminated with the chat. The message, merely one word and an emoji. That was certainly not what she was expecting, she didn’t know what to feel, how to feel. Her heart shattered slightly at the sight of it, but she was never going to admit that to herself. She shook her head, trying to shake herself of the feeling and decided she would post a bunch of stories on her Instagram of reactions from her friends and family after she’d broken the big news. Was this her being petty? An ‘in your face’ moment for Taylor? No, she was always going to do this, she told herself. The text didn’t change anything. But a small part of her certainly hoped Taylor would feel something as a result. How could she have sent such a cold text in response to this huge moment in her life? Above all their relationship drama and break up, they were best friends first surely that deserved more than a one-word text from her friend? Karlie paused, were they even still friends anymore? She deflated at the question, they hadn’t talked for months, and months and months before that brief interaction too. She missed her friend and sharing these moments with her. But then again, if the circumstances were different, would she be sharing her engagement to Josh with her friend or would she be having this experience with the love of her life. She mentally shoved that line of thinking into a huge box and locked it away, she couldn’t be thinking of a life that could have been with Taylor. She was marrying Josh for goodness sake and he was right next to her!

 

The next morning, she went to check her Instagram stories, she rarely does this but she went to click on the list of people who had watched it. She bristled slightly seeing Taylor had watched the first couple but none from then on. Why was she so effected by how Taylor felt, by what she did and what she thought about this whole thing? They clearly weren’t close anymore and she didn’t care, or at least that’s what she told herself. She shook the feeling off and went on with her day, she had lots to do and a wedding to plan, not to mention her other commitments. She did not have time to fuss over her feelings for Taylor Swift. The thought had flowed right out of her before she could even catch herself. Feelings for Taylor Swift… does she still have feelings for her? _Oh fuck it, I don’t have time for this._ She silently cursed herself for constantly falling into this hole. 

 

A few days had passed since Josh and her announced their engagement on social media and the hype and chatter had died down, for the most part. There were still articles and tweets and posts, of course there were, it was the internet after all. And for Karlie she was most definitely over it all, she was ready to start planning this wedding, she was all too excited and ready to get married to this amazing man. But for now, for today at least, it was her birthday and she was getting ready for a night with her friends and family. 25 was one of the best years of her life, she couldn’t wait for what 26 would bring – was what she essentially wrote in her new Instagram caption. It was not so much a lie but rather an exaggeration of the facts. 25 had been one of her favourite years, but it certainly wasn’t the best. That still belonged to 22.

She scrolled through her texts, slowly replying to her friends’ birthday messages when she suddenly realised she had yet to get one from a certain blonde… she clicked on Taylor’s message thread, no new message. It’s not like she couldn’t see that from the list, but she just had to click on her name to check, maybe her phone had malfunctioned and there was actually a huge message from Taylor. Alas, no. The chat was dry, barren, you could almost see a tumbleweed run through it. She went to write out a message, at first angry, angry that the person who was once the most important thing in her life couldn’t spare 2 seconds to right out a message. Then it was sad, reminiscing on their time together. And then just plain petty, “I wished you Happy Birthday.” But then she came to her senses and realised this was doing neither of them any good, she decided it was too much phone time for the day and buried it in one of her bags.

 

She hadn’t touched her phone since the afternoon beforehand, she’d gone out that night without it, it felt kind of liberating actually. But now she had a lot of catching up to do, emails to reply to, social media appearances to keep up, but she was still on a high. A high from celebrating with the people she loved, from freeing herself from the confines of her phone, from being 26. That all came crashing down when she saw the lastest text on her phone.

Karlie was stunned, she was scared, and she didn’t know what the fuck to do. She sat there starting at the message, reading it and rereading over and over again. Was it real, was she reading it right? What spurred this? She slowly typed out a reply, two letters, because honestly that was all she could manage. “Ok”

It was 9am in New York which meant it couldn't have been later than 6am in Los Angeles, so when her phone started buzzing almost immediately after she sent that message she freaked. Her eyes widened as she saw Taylor’s name and image pop up on screen, her heart raced and she’s pretty sure her blood pressure would’ve spiked too. She’d let it ring too long now, her thumb hovered over the slider. _Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck._

“Hey.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Hi,” her voice was groggy as if she’d just woken up, at least that’s what she hoped Karlie would think but in reality she had been up all night since she’d sent that text. She had been having a lot of sleepless nights recently. There was a pause, she could hear Karlie breathing on the other end, she was freaking out a little, Taylor could tell. “Happy birthday, Kar,” it felt weird calling her that after such a long time, but it felt right. She heard Karlie’s breath hitch slightly on the other end. “I’m sorry I didn’t call yesterday.” It was time for Karlie to speak now, and her mind was racing.

“That’s okay.” She managed. It was so strange to hear Taylor’s voice again. Sure they had messaged a little since things fell apart, but now that she thinks about it they hadn’t seen each other or actually spoken since that night. It was a tense and electric silence, despite the two women being on opposite sides of the country, the air vibrated with something, neither new what but they could both feel it. Karlie realised she hadn’t actually said thank you yet. “Than—” but Taylor cut her off.

“I miss you, Karlie.” Karlie’s stomach dropped, Taylor could hear her sigh on the other end, her breathing levelled out. Almost like those four words had calmed her completely. Her reply came almost instantly after that.

“I miss you too.” And with that Taylor’s heart rate slowed down, she felt her anxiety almost dissipate. It was crazy what these two could do for each other. She smiled softly, and silence fell on the two of them once again, but this time the tension had eased slightly and whatever vibration was in the air increased exponentially. For a second the two of them sat, listening to each other breathing. They had become accustomed to this way back when, when the other was travelling or when they were apart for an extended period of time. They would call each other and often just sat listening to each other’s breaths for a while. It grounded them, relaxed them, it was home.

“How was your birthday?” Taylor finally asked. Karlie began to explain the things she did and the celebrations that ensued, leaving out certain details relating to Josh. The way she spoke, it was almost as if it was back to how it was before, when they were best friends. Taylor almost lost it right then and there. After a moment Karlie trailed off, realizing herself and that this was not actually how it is, this is not the relationship the two of them currently had. She wrapped up the story quickly. “That sounds beautiful, Kar.”

“What’s the real reason you called, Taylor? Surely, after months and months of not speaking you didn’t call for small talk.” Karlie didn’t mean to sound so cold and brash, especially after how she talked with such glee just a few moments earlier. Taylor felt herself growing anxious again, her heart rate spiked.

“I could’ve…” she said in a small voice.

“Taylor.” Karlie was soft, imploring. That was all it took to get Taylor to ask what she had been wanting to ask.

“Are you happy?” Karlie was shocked, she didn’t know what she was expecting but she didn’t expect it to go from zero to a hundred so quickly. She was speechless, she didn’t know what to say. It was just three words but she knew exactly what Taylor was asking. Are you happy with Josh? Is this what you really want? Have you really moved on? Taylor heard her take a deep breath.

“Yeah…” Taylor felt her heart breaking again. Karlie’s voice was soft, a whisper. “Yeah, I’m happy Taylor.” Taylor was silent now, she needed a moment to gather herself. Ok, she thought. Ok.

“Then I am happy for you.” Karlie could hear the sadness in her voice despite what was being said, and she would be lying if she said it didn’t make her heart ache a little to hear it. “But I meant what I said earlier, Kar. I miss you. I’ve missed our friendship. And I don’t want to keep going without having you around, even if it means seeing you with someone else.”

“Taylor…” Karlie was speechless yet again, she couldn’t really believe what she was hearing. “I’ve missed our friendship too.”

“I tried to get over you, without you around. But I realised that not having your friendship made things harder, if that even makes any sense?” Karlie hummed in response, not really sure where this was going. Admittedly it was kind of hard to hear. “I didn’t just lose a love when we…” Taylor couldn’t bring herself to say it, was it even really a break up given their relationship was so complicated to begin with? They never really labelled it, it just was. Karlie knew what she meant nevertheless. “I lost my best friend. And I think that now I we’ve had our time to heal apart, I think _I_ need my friend back to fully heal.”

“You make it sound like I don’t need you too.” Taylor’s breath hitched, hearing those words from Karlie felt so comforting. In just a short phone call with this woman, her world was already starting to feel like it was being pieced back together. She hadn’t even realised how broken it was before. “Are you and Joe doing ok?” Taylor stiffened, something about Karlie asking about her relationship, knowing she kept up with what Taylor was doing, even if just a little, made her heart ache.

“We’re not together anymore.” She said simply, she sure as hell was not going to tell Karlie what Joe had said during their breakup.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.” Taylor gathered her thoughts before continuing. “But, um, I don’t know. I just need my best friend back, and I know it’ll take a while to rebuild but…” And almost as if Karlie could read her mind, knowing what Taylor needed right in this moment she came to her rescue.

“Can I come to one of your shows soon?”

“Yes.” Taylor answered almost too quickly, but it was fine, she could already feel how Karlie’s presence, even from across the country, was making her happier. “I’ll send you the dates.”

“I’ll wait for it.” The two women were smiling from ear to ear. Each felt as though huge weights had been lifted off their chests, Karlie hadn’t even known it was there to begin with and Taylor felt freer that she had in months. Maybe even years.

“I’m so glad we had this conversation, Karlie.”

“Me too.”

“Also, I don’t know if you noticed, but it’s pretty early in LA right now and I haven’t been sleeping all that well recently so I might go take a nap right about now.” Karlie chuckled slightly.

“Good plan.”

“Alright, have a good day Kar.”

“You too, I—” Karlie stopped herself in her tracks, she was just about to utter three words that she hadn’t said to this woman for years. It was too much. “Rest up.” It didn’t go unnoticed by Taylor however.

“Bye.” But she was too tired to pay much mind to it at this point, it was a thing to overthink for future, well-rested Taylor. She lay back down on her bed, she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. It was the best sleep she’d had in ages.


	4. Chapter 4

_It's way past midnight now, the movie had ended hours ago but it's not like they were watching it anyway. "Taylor.” the woman on her lap simply hums in response. The fire is barely holding embers at this point and the entire room is bathed in a soft, dim glow. Taylor’s curled up with her head on Karlie’s lap as she runs her fingers through her hair. She reaches down to touch Taylor’s face so the woman looks up at her. Her eyes a soft and sleepy, Karlie can’t help but swoon a little. Or a lot. “Let’s come out.” Taylor jumps, shooting up from Karlie’s lap in shock._

_“What?” She squeaks. That was certainly not the reaction she was hoping for, it stings. Taylor is stammering now. “What—I—A… I, Kar… I—”_

_“Rig_ _ht.” Karlie gives a short curt nod. For a woman who has such a great way with words, Taylor seems to have lost it completely. Karlie stands abruptly, obviously hurt by the way her girlfriend reacted._

_“Karlie, no, wait.” Taylor jumps up too, not wanting to end the conversation like this, following the taller woman into the kitchen._

_“I have been waiting, Taylor! That’s the point!” She spins around to face Taylor._

_“Karlie… You know I—”_

_“What? You what? You can’t do it, why?”_

_“I can’t, Karlie!” She’s starting to get a little annoyed now, she should know what it would mean. “If I come out my label will drop me, there’ll be—”_

_“So what?! You are one of the most powerful women in the industry, Taylor! Hell, not even just the industry, you’re one of the most powerful women in general! So your label drops you? You get another one!”_

_“It’s not that simple, Karlie! You know that!”_

_“Don’t act like this is the only reason stopping you right now. Stop using this as a crutch, I know you.”_

_“That is not true!”_

_“Oh really? So if you weren’t with Big Machine right now, would you have said yes when I asked?!”_

_“I—” Taylor is speechless, she knows Karlie is right. She’s not ready to come out, not now. She doesn’t know when and she wish she did but with the way everything currently is, it’s too hard. And if she’s being completely honest she is scared. She is scared about how the world will react. She always puts up a front that she is above all the rumours and the gossip that spreads through the media, that it doesn’t affect her, but it does! How can you not be scared that one move you make could land you in the latest ‘Look what Taylor Swift did now!’ And she wants more than anything to tell Karlie this but she is ashamed, and she knows it wouldn’t make a difference. It’s a stupid fear and its irrational. It doesn’t make up for the fact that she can’t do this with Karlie. But she has to try anyway. “I’m scared, Karlie.” She’s not screaming anymore, her voice is small and so is she. But just like she thought Karlie isn’t taking it._

_“So am I, Taylor! Of course, I'm scared too! But with you by my side I know that it will all be okay. You will make it okay. I’m sick of hiding! I hate it, I want to shout my love for you from the rooftops, I want to hold you hand in public and kiss you on the sidewalk just cause I want to and because you looked cute! I want to walk down the red carpet with you and I want you by my side at fashion shows, I want to gaze adoringly at you for press photos and I want it plastered on the magazine covers. I want the world to know how much I love you, how in love I am with you.” Tears start falling from her eyes, and it breaks Taylor’s heart over and over with every tear. “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me, I don’t care what the media will say because I only care about what you think of me. And clearly you don’t think the same of me in this moment.” Karlie waits for Taylor to tell her otherwise, to say that she also wants to shout her love from the rooftops. But she knows it won’t come. She sighs, runs her palm across her face and grabs her coat from the rack. She reaches the front door and pauses, her hand hovering over the handle. She’s waiting, hoping that Taylor will stop her, they both know what this means, what will happen when Karlie walks out the door. But no sound is made. She turns back to look at Taylor. “You’re a coward, Taylor,” and with that she flies out the door._

_Taylor stands in the middle of her house staring at the door where the love of her life once stood, knowing full well that she has just lost her. She breaks down, sobbing as she falls to the floor. She knows Karlie is right, I am a coward, she wishes more than anything she could have been the person Karlie wanted to be. She wishes she wasn’t so afraid of what could happen, and that her love for Karlie could have won out. She wants to be able to scream her love for Karlie off the rooftops for the whole world to hear but she knows that she cannot. She is a coward._

* * *

 

Taylor hasn’t seen Karlie since that last night in her New York apartment, that one fucking night when her world came crashing down. What she would do to go back and change everything that happened, she would have said yes, they would have come out, they would do all the things Karlie wanted to, Taylor would have proposed – the way she knew she would after the first time they met. They would be the ones planning a wedding right now, not Karlie and Josh. She regrets everything that happened that night, now 3 years later and she how stupid she was being. It was crazy how one moment can change how you think about something. Why did it matter what the media thought, she only cared about what Karlie thought. She finds herself stunned as her thoughts basically mirror the words Karlie had uttered to her that night. She still remembers that night, word for word, movement for movement. And it kills her every time she thinks about it. Now, she’s days away from seeing Karlie again and she doesn’t know what to do with herself.

 ...

“What’s up with you?” Paul looks at her up and down, confused about this energy coming off his friend. It’s familiar but he can’t place it.

“What do you mean? I can’t be happy?” She bounces up and down on the tour bus.

“No… this is different, what’s going on?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she smirks before bouncing to the front of the bus to chat with a couple of her dancers. Eliotte leans forward now, whispering into Paul’s ear.

“Karlie’s coming to Nashville,” she says with a smirk. Paul’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Karlie? Karlie??”

“The one and only.”

“Huh.” No wonder that glow looked familiar, the thought to himself, it’s her Karlie glow.

 

It was the day of her show now and she could barely contain herself, and yet she was suddenly overcome with anxiety. She was in her green room, they had just finished sound check and she was hanging out with her mum. It had been a while since mother and daughter got to hang out in the green room, during her past tours, this would have been the time Andrea painted the infamous 13 on to Taylor’s hand. She thought about those moments fondly, she was almost sad to not be doing it right now. She felt the energy in the room shift however, she looked over to her daughter who was now staring intently at the pillow in her lap, as if counting the stitches, it was a stark contrast to what she was like moments before - humming to herself as she played with Meredith on the couch.

“What’s up?” Taylor jerked her head up to look at her mum.

“What’s up? Nothing’s up,” her voice a little too high and her speech a little too fast.

“You worried about Karlie?” Her mum always knew what was going on. No matter how hard she’d tried to hide it. She remembered when she first started falling for Karlie, her mum knew long before she did. It came as no surprise when a few months later her daughter told her through sobs, confused and shocked by her ‘newfound’ feelings for the model.

“I--, I don’t know to be honest. And that’s what scares me, I don’t what it is going to be like seeing her again. The last time I saw her… well, you know.”

“Yeah, I do. But I don’t think you should worry, honey. I think things are going to surprise you, everything is going to work out,” her mum had a knowing glint in her eye, she knew something but wasn’t going to tell. Taylor screwed her face up slightly as she studied her mum’s face, eyes narrowing.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” she mumbled, giving up and going back to counting the stitches on the pillow. “Actually, wait, you know what? I am done feeling like shit and I am so tired of being so anxious about these things. I am just going do what feels right, do my own thing and not worry about anything or anyone else.” Andrea nods knowingly, because of course she expect this shift. She knows her daughter after all.

 

The show that night in Nashville was one of the best performances Taylor had ever given, she felt it in the air and she felt it in herself. There was a whole new level of energy in the stadium that night and she was 100% sure she knew exactly which person it was radiating off of. It was intoxicating, that feeling, she was _happy._ She went all out, gave her all and most importantly, had fun. She could see Karlie and her sisters in the crowd, standing with her childhood best friend Abigail. It put the biggest smile on her face, one that she found hard to get rid of the entire night. She had no idea Karlie would be bringing her sisters to the show, she must’ve talked to Tree to get the extra tickets put aside, it was such a wonderful surprise seeing all the Kloss sisters in the crowd. She’d be fooling herself if she said she hadn’t missed those girls. Karlie was beaming, it was addicting to see her, in the crowd of one of her shows, again. It had been too long, so she decided to really show her how much she missed it. That performance of Dress was probably one of the best and most memorable performances she’d done, for everyone in the stadium and most importantly, for Taylor and Karlie. She didn’t give herself a chance to overthink it, she jumped right back into the moment she’d written the song, and for the first time she was singing it to the one person she wrote it for.

Karlie stood watching Taylor, from the moment she’d heard it when the album released to this moment right now, she knew the song was about her. It broke her heart the first time she heard it and she found it hard to listen to ever since, she could only imagine what it was like for Taylor to sing hundreds of times. But right here in this moment as she watched Taylor give the performance of a lifetime, she felt things that she should absolutely not be feeling. It did things to her it should absolutely not be doing. And yet… Karlie felt her knees go weak, Taylor was singing this song directly to Karlie, and no one else. She was performing this song for Karlie, for a moment it felt like it was just the two of them, the entire stadium melted away and it was just the two of them. No crowds, no screaming fans, just the two of them. Karlie couldn’t take her eyes off the singer, she was addicting, alluring and oh so… _shit._ Karlie shook herself out of the thought, she brought her phone up to her face, she needed to distract herself, needed to hide her face most of all, but while she may have been embarrassed to admit this, she need to document this fucking performance. When the song was over, it was clear Karlie was a little more than hot and bothered. She wasn’t sure what to do with herself and she knew that her sisters could tell, she tried to avoid their eyes but when she eventually looked to them they all had the same knowing look and smirk plastered on their faces. _Fuck my life…_


End file.
